Scared of who I am

I haven’t been writing any blog entries lately because frankly I didn’t know what to say. There always seems to be something inside of me that is begging to come out, but when I sit down to write….NOTHING.

The past few days I have been reading others’ blogs, and various articles, and I’ve seen a pattern emerging. It started with a cute picture on Facebook that mentioned being scared of who you are. I have read several Twitter posts about being your self, along with quotes and blogs about being true to your self. I think the Universe is sending me a message.

Am I scared of who I am? I never thought I was, but just asking the question seems to strike fear in my soul, so I guess I am. I feel like I have stood on the outside looking in my entire life. I have always felt different, but didn’t want to be. I wanted to fit in with every group and be accepted. At some point I created personas that said and did what I thought people expected. I now realize that in doing so, I separated myself even more. I can’t have close relationships with anyone when I’m not being myself.

My father once told me that I was getting above my raising. I have allowed that statement to set me back in my personal growth. The truth is, I am different from my family. It is not above, below or beside my raising, it just is.

I am different in many ways from my family, the people I work with, and old friends I have reconnected with on Facebook. There have been many times I did not respond to a Facebook post with my true feelings because I worried about what a family member might think. I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace. That is a very heavy burden to put on myself, and it creates this horrible habit of silencing my true inner voice.

So, this is the point in life where I begin to learn and accept who I am. And for anyone reading that would like to know: I believe in God, but not the way bible thumpers do; I am gay and in a wonderful relationship with a husband that loves me and appreciates me; I have a love/hate relationship with my job that I allow to take up too much of my energy; and I could honestly walk away from my youth and never look back (which sounds like a good plan).

More blogs are coming soon that will share the real me. Get ready world!

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