I’ve been trying to write this post for a couple of days now, but couldn’t get the words out. Each time I tried, it sounded bogus and formal, and didn’t express what I was feeling. So today I’m saying to hell with it, just write what’s on your mind, and stop worrying about how it sounds. I have been on vacation this week, and I have to say, it’s been one of the best I’ve ever taken. Not only did I take a vacation from the office, I took a vacation from the stresses of life. I feel freaking awesome today.
The past few years have been stressful ones, dealing with a bad work environment, the worst boss I’ve ever worked for, and deaths of close family members. The boss was fired a couple of months ago, the funerals are over, and yet I was still hanging on to all these things. Well no more, I have let them go! Praise god, goddess, spirit, source, and the big elm tree in my back year, or anything else you would like to pitch in for your own intentions.
One of the things I realized this week, and I’m still bit uncomfortable sharing, is that I’m not overly upset about the loss of family members. My dad, my mom, and my grandmother are gone now, and in some ways, many ways, it makes life easier. Sure I loved them and miss them, and was very upset when they passed, but I can move on with my life now. I don’t have to worry about taking care of them. I don’t have to worry about upsetting them. I can be who I am without the fear of being judged. I can say what I feel, and write what I feel, without the need to hide it from them. (I should probably let my daughters know it’s OK for them to feel the same way about me.)
I had started working on a book about my mother’s Alzheimer’s and death a few times, but I couldn’t find enough direction to get more than a few pages on paper. The book should never have been about my mother to begin with, it should have been about me and how it affected me. It’s all about me. Which leads to another book idea about growing up. My family was very set in their ways, mostly isolated from the modern world, and tried to keep me that way too. And in many ways they succeeded, at least for 46 years. I’m done with that, and it’s time to move forward and be the person I was meant to be.
The first step was to admit where I’m at in life, and this post explains much of that. The next step is to start preparing for what I really want to do. I enrolled in college this week, with a major in Sociology. I am totally fascinated in studying people, studying culture, studying philosophy, and especially that area where they all intersect. I think that is why I enjoy going to coffee shops so much. It gives me the opportunity to watch and study how the people interact. A sociology degree will give me the tools and training I need to pursue a career in this area. Ultimately I see me teaching a college level sociology or philosophy course. But as I learn to trust Spirit, and know that everything happens as it should, I am confident that I will end up being what I was meant to be all along…..ME.